7 steps to a happily ever after

No princess rescuing or unicorn taming required...
If you and your partner can get these seven things sorted, you’ll have a love so perfect, it’ll make the author of The Notebook wish he waited to tell your story. With advice from a counsellor who stitches threadbare couples into haute-couture relationships for a living, your fairytale is coming.

1. Dream the same dreams

If your man’s focused on travelling to boost his career, but you’re clucky as hell and want to stay put, you’re at a coupledom crossroad. Either somebody compromises (without bitterness), or you move on. “Prior to making a long-term commitment, couples need to affirm with each other what they want from the relationship,” says Philip Armstrong, relationship counsellor and CEO of theaca.net.au.

2 Reignite the passion.

Ben, 29, and Elise, 27, had been living together for two years when their sex life started to idle. “It was less La Perla, more Lowes tracksuits,” admits Elise. To rev it back up, Ben suggested “Make-An-Effort Mondays”, where they’d wear nice clothes and take turns cooking dinner for each other. Elise thought it was a cute idea, and, as a result, more action followed.

“Many people interpret a dwindling sex life as being caused by a lack of performance or spice. The simple fact is that many women (and men) need to feel emotionally connected to their partner to engage in regular sex,” Armstrong says. To keep the bedroom in use, you first need to manage any external pressures, such as social life, diet, work and stress, as these can destroy the potential for any action.

3. Stand up to mama

Parents. You love ’em, but sometimes you want to administer medication for their interfering. “Meddling parents need to be confronted immediately,” Armstrong advises. If you don’t do this, there’s a high risk either partner’s parents will always have the last say. Try not to buckle when your oldies give you “that look”; it’s only going to get more stressful if you promise your dad you’ll cancel your trip to the Middle East without talking to your partner (who really wants to go).

4. Fight the good fight

When Bessie, 29, brings up issues with her live-in boyfriend, she always uses a neutral tone of voice and “I feel” language; for example, “I feel upset and I can’t relax when the house is messy”, instead of “You’re such a pig. Why can’t you ever clean up after yourself?”

Starting sentences with “I feel” instead of “You are” isn’t accusatory, so you’ll have a more calm discussion and be less likely to throw things. Armstrong says the occasional feud is fine, so long as you both agree to battle by the same rules. “Before entering into a fight with your partner, ask yourself: If you love them, is it important to win the fight at any cost? If the answer is yes, then you really don’t know what love is,” says Armstrong.

5. Stay independent

Keep your own bank account, your own friends, and your own interests. This way, you’ll maintain your own identity, and still have a lovely warm man to cuddle up to when you get home. “It’s essential that you don’t lose your individuality when entering into a couple. Even strong relationships can be suffocated if each partner is denied ‘alone time’,” says Armstrong. Find the balance that best works for you.

6. Build a best friendship

“Trust and respect are the two main foundations of a relationship between best friends,” says Armstrong. Jenny, 25, has a tendency to get a little bit dramatic – which was a problem until she met Dave, 27. “I’ll come in ranting about something, and he’ll listen, then dilute all my madness down into a totally doable solution,” she says.

“Dave’s never condescending, he just calmly reassures me that everything’s going to be fine.” Armstrong adds, “Best friends will go out of their way for us when no-one else will. A partner who truly loves you will also be your best friend – it’s unlikely you’ll find anyone else who can give you all this and be happy to do so.”

7. Team up in tough times

Luke and Emma, both 35, had a terrible 2008. They each lost a parent, Luke was made redundant, and then Emma was diagnosed with breast cancer. “It was like a script from a bad, overdramatic movie,” says Emma. “I just kept thinking that this wasn’t happening.” A year on, the bond between them is stronger than ever. “Those painful 12 months taught us what was important, which is each other,” says Emma.